Dear Los Angeles Lakers Fans:
As I'm certain you know, last week was witness to a horrible tragedy. After a rousing victory by their football team, Ohio State University fans took to the streets of Columbus in great numbers. After approximately nine hours of celebratory "rioting," during which police were forced to use tear gas, wooden pellets and pepper-spray to disperse the crowds, nearly fifty people were arrested, hundreds of thousands of dollars in damage was done to businesses and other buildings, and several parts of the city were consumed with a fire so hot that it actually buckled the street, overturning cars and melting them to the ground!
I write this letter out of concern for Los Angeles, her citizens, and her future. While it is true that our glorious Lakers have gotten off to a rough start this season, Shaq is finally back on the court, and it is only a matter of time before our boys in gold learn to play like a team again, and dominate the western conference with their unstoppable combination of Shaq, Kobe, Horry, Smith, and the delightfully goofy-ass Rick Fox. We are certain to reach the playoffs, we'll most likely take the western conference, and we will very probably be crowned Kings of the Fucking NBA for the umpteenth time IN A ROW! (Go Lakers!)
In light of this great probability, and the recent events in Columbus, I must implore you, citizens of Los Angeles and Lakers Fans: get out there and give us a good riot! Two or three moderate riots will do, I suppose, but what I'm looking for is one great, big, huge, blowout that will knock the socks off of those pansy-ass Ohio State fans, and help Los Angeles regain its position as Riot and General Mayhem Capitol of these United States! I'm looking for fires, and looting, and vandalized businesses, and, hell, even one or two brutal beatings. The fact is, we haven't had a really, really good riot since the championship of the 2000-2001 season. We're lagging. Los Angeles is woefully under-represented in the realm of large-scale, centralized violence in the past couple of years. When people think violence, they hardly even really think of LA anymore, despite the help of such brilliant Hollywood films as Training Day, and television shows like the Shield (thanks, guys). We've become a back-seat city. And we're not going to take it anymore! Los Angeles is a Number 1 city! Number 1! The 2002-2003 championships are approaching -- let's make this next one count.
So, as June 2003 approaches, I'll be rooting for the Lakers. And I'll be counting on you all. Don't let me down. Let's make Shaq buy THREE polics cars this year. Trust me, he can afford it!
James K. Hahn
Mayor of the City of Los Angeles
note: this is satire. not real. just in case you were thinking of suing us. thanks.