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D&D and Real Life
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It seems like the world, while not an enitrely uninteresting or dreary place, would be so much more exciting if only it were indeed the universe of Dungeons & Dragons. As the "Dungeon Master" in the 80's D&D cartoon would say, "Welcome to the Realm of Dungeons & Dragons":

  • The Buddhist statuary in Afghanistan wouldn't have needed the U.N. to try to save them, because each statue would actually be either a stone golem or a caryatid column, and could take care of itself.
  • Republicans would be vindicated because Bill Clinton would actually be a devil (probably a Type VI) sent from one of the planes of hell, most likely the Eighth.
  • Racial tensions would be more interesting, because some would have infravision and others wouldn't.
  • The Grand Wizard of the KKK would actually be a wizard and not just a retard in his bathrobe with a big white Bugle chip stuck on his head.
  • If you got hurt you could just go into any church and be pretty sure you could find someone there to cast a cure light wounds on you (further vindicating GWB's "faith-based programs" initiative).
  • Since you'd know how many hit points you had and how much damage you could potentially take from a fall, you could figure out just how high a fall you could survive, which would be cool at parties.
  • You could become a bard and learn how to charm people and then make a killing as a car salesman.
  • Yahweh and Allah would just take on corporeal form and battle over the West Bank themselves, and while it could potentially be even more destructive, at least it would settle things once and for all.
  • If you completed some quest or what-not, you'd have people singing epic songs of praise about you, which is pretty cool if you think about it.
  • Having the ability to cast a fireball would come in handy when you're in a meeting and people just keep dragging it out, or when you were in a theatre and people were talking, or you were at a party and no one was paying any attention to you. In short, almost anywhere.
  • You could cheat on your saving throws.
end of essay
Joseph G. Carson Portrait Joe was the original guitarist for the now legendary Clark Schpiell and the Furry Cockroaches without Butts, playing two chords in a four-chord song under the assumed name of Jason, which he has taken to be a metaphor for his existence (the two chords part, not the Jason part). He has contributed several long pieces to CSP, including the crime novels Danine and Inheriting Dust, the latter of which is still in progress. He has also written the occasional humor piece, movie review, and political essay. | more essays by Joseph
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