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Full Throttle This!
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First off, let me say that I was a big fan of the first Charlie's Angels movie. I thought it was funny, visually cool, the action was inventive and the acting, so to speak, was pretty good. The three leads had this chemistry going that made the film sort of click. Added to that, the film had Crispin Glover and Sam Rockwell- two favorites of mine. I liked the film so much, in fact, that I saw it in the theatre twice and bought the DVD when it came out.

Because of this, after seeing one crappy movie after another this summer, I was really looking forward to the Charlie's Angels sequel. I didn't expect to be moved, or to learn anything about the human condition, but I did expect to be entertained. I mean, with the same leads and same director, how could it go wrong? Well... As I sat through Full Throttle, I started to realize something. HOLLYWOOD FUCKING SUCKS. Everything sucks! There's no use ever feeling good about anything, because as soon as you do McG shows up to fuck it up. Now, I have to place some of this blame on Drew Barrymore, who co-produced this god-awful sack of crap. At some point, though, you would have thought they would have stopped and asked themselves, "Why aren't any of the jokes funny?", or, "How come the fight scenes feel rehashed?", or, "Why is Crispin Glover in the movie?", or, "How did we manage to make Bernie Mac seem like Byron Allen without the edge?", or, "Why do all of the "Angels" have to mug directly into the camera while "Benny Hill" type music plays in the background?", or ,"Why haven't we've given Demi Moore (the best thing in the movie by FAR) more than 20 minutes of screen time?" I mean, do you think they knew that this movie blew while they were filming it? Do you think, during the breaks, they would look at dailies and try to avoid eye contact with the other people around them, knowing that they were making a 120 million dollar lemon that plays like a very special episode of Fast Lane?

Now, for those of you who just want to see skin (Joanna), yes, you get to see the "Angels" in various states of undress. This is especially true of Cameron Diaz who, somehow knowing that she's not adding any substance to the film, seems to want to make sure she's "earning" her money (ala Halle Berry in Swordfish) by being half-naked all the way through. If it's flesh you want, wait for the DVD. That way (Joanna) you can freeze it and get a REALLY good look at Diaz's ass -- which should have gotten billing over Demi Moore since it gets a lot more screentime.

So, please, save your money. Stay home. Read a book. Or if you have to go see a movie, go see the new Terminator movie. It's not the best thing ever, but at least you won't leave feeling pissed off.

end of essay
Thorin's hippie mum named him after Thorin Oakenshield (the Dwarven leader in J.R.R. Tolkien's the Hobbit). The only thing that kept him from getting his ass kicked in high school is the fact he's seven feet tall. No shit -- seven feet tall. He's covered in tattoos, married to a Pilates instructor, and the proud father of a boy named Ivan. | more essays by Thorin
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