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I’m Sorry, So Sorry
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China UPDATE - 4/11/01:
Thanks to the quick thinking of our agile-minded president, our guys and gals are on their way home after only 10 days. However, since Chinese Foreign Minister Tang Jiaxuan said today that "this is not the conclusion of the case," we feel that the feature below is, if anything, more important than ever.

We all know the story. Our spy plane buzzes around International airspace that China claims as theirs. China sends up a coupla fighter planes to buzz our plane. Our plane and one of theirs collide. The fighter dumps in the ocean, and our plane lands on Chinese soil. And now China has had our 24 servicemen in its custody for a week and one day.

I'm not gonna argue about who was right, or about who caused the crash or for what reasons. But I am gonna point out that all China wants from us, in exchange for our servicemen, is an apology. And, while our government has to worry about such things as "National Honor" and saving face in front of the rest of the nations of the world, allies and enemies alike, we have no such restraits. In fact, just the opposite -- we all know that we routinely make asses of ourselves, in front of friends, enemies, and the entire customer base of the Whittier TGI Friday's last Wednesday around 10:15PM.

So, while our leaders' hands are tied, ours (unless you count that 45 minutes a few weeks ago in the privacy of our own homes where we can do whatever we damn well please) are not. Clark Schpiell Productions is proud to offer the citizens of this country a chance to step up and do what our leaders cannot: apologize to China.

Just fill in the form below and apologize for whatever you feel is necessary. You don't have to mean it -- China will never know. In a week or two, we'll post the best of the apologies on our website, which is regularly visited by Chinese President Jiang Zemin (as well as many other foreign heads of state and various dignitaries).

C'mon, step up. To quote Peter Frechette as Louis DiMucci from the critically acclaimed 80's film, Grease2, "Let's do it for our country!"

Submissions for this letter have been closed.

end of essay
David Nett Portrait David is an actor, writer and producer in Los Angeles. He's the founder and editor-in-chief of CSP, and a founding producer of the acclaimed Lucid by Proxy theater company. Despite all this, he still has to hold down a day job in the dot-com world, where he does product and interaction design. His acting has been called "committed," "detailed," "fearless," "hilarious" and "heart-rending" by the LA Times and Backstage West. His writing has been called "articulate and commanding" and "eminently readable" by Flak Magazine. His tenth grade Geometry teacher said he "does not work well in groups." | more essays by David
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