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(In)Sincere Condolences, from the Desk of D. Rumsfeld
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Iraq

Dear Grieving

    (select one)
    Parents
    Husband
    Wife
    Significant Other*

It is with heavy sorrow that someone else writes I write this letter to inform you that your

    (select one)
    Husband
    Wife
    Son
    Daughter**

has been killed in action in honorable service to their president's personal agenda for revenge and to spread Christianity democracy oil mongering beloved and grateful country.

Um, I guess that's about it. Otherwise, nothing much going on here. I'm doing pretty good, really good actually, since I don't have any members of my immediate family over there getting killed needlessly in that clusterfuck rogue nation with a butt load of weapons of mass destruction freedom-starved country.

On behalf of the rich oil corporations Christian Soldiers United States of America ... thanx!!

Not Very Sincerely,

(place mechanical name stamp here)

My Actual Signature That I Writ M'self
Donald H. Rumsfeld
Soon-to-be-scapegoat Secretary of Defense

 

P.S. If this letter has been sent to you in error, and your loved one is not dead and only maimed or near dead, please disregard with our apologies. That reminds me of that Monty Python movie The Holy Grail where the one guy with the wheelbarrow yells "Bring out your dead!" and someone throws their dad or whatever on the wheelbarrow and he's like "I'm not dead yet." Well, I forget how it actually goes, but the point is that I and the president recommend you rent this movie. It will make you laugh and forget about your dead and/or disfigured family member.

 

*Heterosexual only -- same sex partners are not recognized as legitimate or human.
**Who should not be in the military anyway, which is a man's world. It was probably her own weakness that got her killed.

end of essay
Jeanette imagines herself to be the youngest and most attractive contributor to CSP. She is a writer/director/actor and is one of the founding members of Lucid by Proxy (along with David and Rick). She spends most of her time sitting at home alone talking to her cats, who lovingly ignore her in return. | more essays by Jeanette
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