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Just Do It
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do

Everyone has seen those hilarious bumper stickers and signs that detail exactly what various occupations "do it" with -- "Actors do it on stage," "Geologists do it on the rocks," and so forth. For those who wonder why they bend over in full-force chortle upon seeing one of these phrases can pat themselves on the back as proud patrons of the double-entendre -- these "X do it with/on Y" formulations both play upon the location and situation of these activities while utilizing the connotation of "doing it" as "having sex" or "getting your winky on." To see why this sexual aspect provides a great deal of the humor, read the following two and ask yourself why one is funny and the other is not:

  1. Actors do it on stage.
  2. Actors perform in a variety of dramatic and comic works on stage.
Do you see? Good. Now, while geologists, actors, and various other assorted groups have utilized this formulation to great effect in asserting the passion and drive that motivates them, other fields have lagged sorely behind. To help fill that gap, we at CSP offer the following: If you belong to one of these fields, try copying and pasting the text into a word processing program of some kind, enlarging the font, and then printing the saying to a piece of paper which you can then put on a t-shirt or your automobile (consult your word processing program's documentation for further information on doing the above steps).

    TEACHERS DO IT WITH YOUR KIDS

    MORTICIANS DO IT WITH YOUR DEAD LOVED ONES

    PODIATRISTS DO IT WITH YOUR FEET

    PSYCHOLOGISTS DO IT WITH PEOPLE WITH BEHAVIORAL AND MENTAL DISORDERS

    PROSTITUTES DO IT WITH ANYONE FOR MONEY OR SOMETIMES DRUGS

    SCHOOL JANITORS DO IT WITH AMMONIA AND THE VOMIT OF CHILDREN

    GYNECOLOGISTS DO IT WITH YOUR PUSS

    ROCK AND ROLL STARS DO IT WITH ANYONE THEY WANT, ALL THE TIME, CHRIST, WOULD THAT BE THE LIFE OR WHAT?

    PEOPLE WHO OWN HIGH-QUALITY NAME-BRAND FOOTWEAR OFTEN FIND THEMSELVES SIMPLY "DOING IT," AND FEEL NO NEED TO APPEND A PREPOSITIONAL PHRASE TO CLARIFY EXACTLY WHAT IT IS THEY "DO"

If you do not see your particular hobby or profession listed here, use these as guidance in creating your own. With a little effort and wit, every conceivable occupational group in this great country could have their own DIWO (Do-It-With/On) formulation by the end of 2003. Go forth, and let the double-entendres bless this mighty land.

end of essay
Joseph G. Carson Portrait Joe was the original guitarist for the now legendary Clark Schpiell and the Furry Cockroaches without Butts, playing two chords in a four-chord song under the assumed name of Jason, which he has taken to be a metaphor for his existence (the two chords part, not the Jason part). He has contributed several long pieces to CSP, including the crime novels Danine and Inheriting Dust, the latter of which is still in progress. He has also written the occasional humor piece, movie review, and political essay. | more essays by Joseph
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