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kansas

Last week the Kansas State School Board reluctantly made the monumental decision to allow Darwin's widely accepted (for the last 75 years or so) Theory of Evolution back into its schools' core science curriculum. A couple of the Board's members steadfastedly objected to the decision, declaring evolution merely one of many theories available to modern biologists, and that the theory is not so widely accepted as many would believe, especially among the bush-people of the Serengetti and creepy banjo-playing kids in the Appalachian mountains.

While the whole evolution thing got a lot of press, many other minor changes were also made to the curriculum, at the behest of reported "hippies and science-lovers":

Physical Science Core, part 5.3
While the well-respected Kansas State School Board does still contend that, in having one's picture taken, the camera does, in fact, steal one's soul, the School Board can no longer condone restoring the soul by burning the film and/or polaroid picture in a fire of fragrant sandalwood and breathing deeply of the smoke. Please note that this does not constitue a full reversal in policy, it is merely a change to placate the so called "State Fire Marshall" in his insistance that fires be prohibited on school grounds. The non-fire related destruction of Digital Cameras, which can steal the soul as well and, since no physical image exists, cause the soul to be irretrievably lost, is still advisable and encouraged, however, along with all computers within "transmission range."

Biology Core, Part 17.0
When someone sneezes, his or her soul vacates the body for a few seconds -- no one can reasonably dispute this fact. However, because of the separation of church and state (which the KSSB reluctantly defends), students should not say "God Bless You" to protect the exposed soul. Rather, students should encircle the congested student in a ring of purifying fire which may protect against the horned one. (Since fires are officially disouraged on school grounds, please limit sneezing to non-school areas for maximum soul-protection.)

American History Core, Part 79.33
Former President Bill Clinton most likely is not, as previously suggested in past curriculum, Lucifer, Lord of Hell, in disguise. Lucifer would surely have been able to place his successor in the seat of the presidency, especially when running against such a pudding-head. It is more probable he is simply a minor demon, sent to wreak havoc on the morals of America.

Geology Core, Part 7.6.6
Deep within these caves at the center of the Earth live the Morlocks and the Nevebezzers, two nefarious warring species of highly-intelligent humanoids whose constant feuding will surely eventually burst forth onto the surface and spell mankind's doom [note: Previously, "Nevebezzers" had been misspelled.]

end of essay
David Nett Portrait David is an actor, writer and producer in Los Angeles. He's the founder and editor-in-chief of CSP, and a founding producer of the acclaimed Lucid by Proxy theater company. Despite all this, he still has to hold down a day job in the dot-com world, where he does product and interaction design. His acting has been called "committed," "detailed," "fearless," "hilarious" and "heart-rending" by the LA Times and Backstage West. His writing has been called "articulate and commanding" and "eminently readable" by Flak Magazine. His tenth grade Geometry teacher said he "does not work well in groups." | more essays by David
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