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Moving Day Tips
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move

David spent his time during CSP's summer vacation moving into a new home. When the harrowing experience was finally over, he had these tips to share with our loyal readers:

  • The hardest part of moving is packing up all of your belongings in the days prior to the move. For maximum efficiency in your next move, never unpack any of your boxes.

  • When your apartment manager asks you why you are leaving, be sure to tell her you just found the perfect little house and could not pass it up. After you've received your deposit check back, you can tell her that her slovenly, lazy, unresponsive manner and unpleasant aura of cigarettes and despair had so permeated every inch of your apartment building that, had you not moved out, you'd surely have gone insane.

  • Make certain all your moving-day helper friends are not actors. Actors like to sleep in late and party in the evening, neither of which will help you get your friggin' stuff moved.

  • It costs only $19.95 to rent a truck, but each furniture dolly costs an additional $20. If possible, back the truck all the way up to your third-floor apartment door.

  • Aquariums and Vivariums are heavy and hard to move. Liberate your tropical fish and frogs by flushing them out to sea.

  • No matter how many cats you leash together, they will not help you move your cumbersome Queen-sized mattress.

  • Inevitably, every move turns up piles of unwanted junk that have to be taken either to Goodwill or to the trash. To save time, bring 5-10 homeless people to your apartment and invite them to help themselves.

  • The misleading-ly named "Powerade" will not help you lift that refridgerator all by yourself.

  • No matter how filthy the apartment was when you moved in, $10 will be deducted from your deposit for every speck of dust your lazy, crabby apartment manager finds after you are gone.

  • Screw it. You're not getting your deposit back anyway. Set fire to the apartment, collect your insurance money, and just buy new stuff. (note: Make certain you've got renter's insurance before you start the blaze.)
end of essay
David Nett Portrait David is an actor, writer and producer in Los Angeles. He's the founder and editor-in-chief of CSP, and a founding producer of the acclaimed Lucid by Proxy theater company. Despite all this, he still has to hold down a day job in the dot-com world, where he does product and interaction design. His acting has been called "committed," "detailed," "fearless," "hilarious" and "heart-rending" by the LA Times and Backstage West. His writing has been called "articulate and commanding" and "eminently readable" by Flak Magazine. His tenth grade Geometry teacher said he "does not work well in groups." | more essays by David
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