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Nudity and the Greatest Generation
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A recent study performed by the National Health Club Organization (NHCO) has predicted that gym locker room nudity is down a startling 54% in the last five years, and that the nudity is almost entirely concentrated in the over-50 age group, giving rise to speculation that in another ten to twenty years, the phenomenon of just walking around the men's locker room butt-ass naked will cease to be.

"You walk into a men's locker room in almost any health club in this country right now, and you're going to see a lot of old guys just standing around naked," says Jan Michael Vincent (no relation to the famous but troubled actor), associate director of the NHCO and chair of the committee that authored the report. "They seem to do most everything nakedóthey'll be shaving naked, standing there putting on deodorant or rummaging for their keysóas if the last possible thing they want to do is cover their wrinkled butts and flaccid members."

There has been a lot of talk recently of the "Greatest Generation," and Tom Brokaw in particular has been very vocal of the attributes of this group of Americansótheir perserverance, their good and decent moral sense, and their industriousness. What has been left out of most analyses is the fact that the men of this generation have no compunction about wandering around the locker room with their balls slapping against their thighs for long periods of time.

"It's definitely generational," says Vincent. "You see a guy who's maybe twenty-five or thirty-five, and he wraps a towel around himself and goes to the shower, then puts the towel back on and heads back to his locker, where he'll at least put on underwear before, say, shaving or otherwise preparing himself for the day."

NHCO gyms and their members heralded the study and its predictions as good news. "There's something unsettling being in there and watching some guy butt-naked shaving; I saw this one guy who was combing what was left of his hair, and his penis was resting on the counter. Bizarre," says Jarmand Marcalailee, a 28-year-old gym member. "Then you see some naked guys sitting on a bench without towels under them, just shooting the breeze or whatever, and you're afraid to put down your bag anywhere."

With this five-year survey completed, the NHCO is now moving ahead with its study of why really obese and unappealing female gym members always wear biker shorts and a sports bra, while the real babes always go around in a baggy sweatsuit.

end of essay
Joseph G. Carson Portrait Joe was the original guitarist for the now legendary Clark Schpiell and the Furry Cockroaches without Butts, playing two chords in a four-chord song under the assumed name of Jason, which he has taken to be a metaphor for his existence (the two chords part, not the Jason part). He has contributed several long pieces to CSP, including the crime novels Danine and Inheriting Dust, the latter of which is still in progress. He has also written the occasional humor piece, movie review, and political essay. | more essays by Joseph
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