by Bloodaxe Groghammer, Orcish Film Student
(as translated by rick)
I was recently invited to see a test screening of Return of the King and all I can say is "wow." The previous two films had aroused my suspicions, but now I can say with absolutely certainty that this "trilogy" is little more than homo-centric propaganda. The films betray the human director's own prejudiced worldview- Peter Jackson is an elf-loving orc-hater. Never in the short history of cinema has a race been portrayed so villainously, or destroyed with such glee. I can see why Tolkien's original title for this novel, Birth of a Kingdom, was dropped for the more subtle "Return" moniker. But this reviewer was not fooled.
Let me get this straight -- I'm supposed to root for a smelly appetizer named Frodo on his quest to drop his bling bling in a river of fire, and cheer when my people are decimated by the thousands in front of Minas Tirith? Should I weep when pink manlings kiss their wives and children goodbye on their way to their deserved deaths? I think not. I would ask where the scenes involving the orcs' goodbyes to their families are, but I would no doubt get the same answer as Christopher Lee- he's "saving it" for the extended DVD version. Yes, the cinematography is beautiful and the acting is good, especially oscar-worthy turns by Lawrence Makoare as Gothmog and Stephen Ure as Gorbag- but all is undercut by the abhorrent orc-hating message at the heart of these films. It's dehumanizing, even for a race of non-humans.
This is not to say that the film doesn't have it's high points. I liked the parts when giant rocks crashed into Minas Tirith and crushed hundreds of little meat puppets under the weight of the rubble. Trolls crash through a gate and tenderize scores of timid flesh bags with maces the size of automobiles. The victory at Osigiliath was a high point, and the subsequent chase of the scared little human rabbits as they ran back to their mothers in that high-walled sanctuary, picked off one at a time by hungry Nazgul mounts. Nothing could top the scene where an uruk-hai, hungry and full of noble bloodrage, jumps over the corpse of a dead human and bites a soldier in the neck. Humans in armor are a lot like M & Ms- one need only bite though the hard candy shell to get a taste of the delectable man-flesh underneath.
But even their well-fought victory is robbed from them as that dirty cheater Aragorn throws invulnerable flesh-eating zombies into the mix. How's that for fighting fair? Jackson chooses to make us feel more sympathy for a pack of treacherous undead than for my brethren, slaughtered on the field and pissed on by a metrosexual elf and his drunken dwarf sidekick. Truly, truly horrible.
But Jackson saved his worst for last. Many have questioned the reasoning behind the lengthy ending, but this reviewed has gleaned it's rasion d'etre. It serves to torture hungry orcs. Scene after scene of tasty defenseless hobbits frolicking, hugging each other, begging to be sliced up and served on warm whole wheat bread. Imagine starving your way through a three hour movie, only to be followed by a twenty minute commercial for popcorn chicken. Why do you torture us, Peter Jackson? Why do make us lust for hobbit children sandwiches and then roll credits?
I despise you, Mr. Jackson for portraying orcs as such vicious, evil monstrosities- and were we ever to meet I would cut out your heart with my serrated dagger and devour it like candy apple on a stick. You dirty, dirty orc-hater.