I've just come out of my workplace bathroom. While in there, I checked my hair, urinated, and washed my hands. During all of this, a gentleman in one of the stalls was making some disturbing sounds. First, he'd grunt - loud and long, like those tortoises we saw having sex at the Reptile Gardens in South Dakota when I was in Jr. High, which my mom quickly ushered us past. Then he'd make a sharp, throat-clearing sound - Ack! A tiny "plop" would follow, and then a deep, deep sigh. Then it would start all over.
Now, far be it from me to chastise this guy overmuch. After all, bathroom difficulties are among the worst of personal ailments, and this guy clearly had some difficulties. And, the men's room should be a place where noises, smells and other things society frowns upon (are you listening, George Michael?) should be somewhat excused. Still, this is a workplace bathroom, and at times, as many as five or six guys may be using the facilities at once. While you should not be expected to conform to the strict rules of polite society while in the john, it occurs to me that many men throw all sense of civilization aside as they enter the restroom, reverting to the hidden animal awareness that exists deep within every man, and on the surface of apes and Billy Bob Thornton.
So, I feel that it might be time to create a sort of "bathroom guidelines" for guys, much like the rules posted on the wall at my gym - not too intrusive, but just strict enough to protect everyone from the dangers of flying feces. I expect these will soon be taught in public and private schools nationwide. Except, of course, in Montana.