How is it that I have nothing exciting to do on New Year's Eve? I am tempted to say it's because I am a boring person with no friends, but that can't be right. One year I went to Las Vegas for New Year's. That was a good time. I kissed nine guys at midnight. Nine guys in the span of a few minutes, that's a record for me. But that was eight years ago. Since then, my New Year's Eves have been a horrifying montage of suburban bars, light beer, puking tequila, and children on "jolly jumps." That's what happens when I go to other people's parties.
Last year, I made a turducken and had friends over for drinks and games. It was a nice time, but I don't want to do it again. My plan for this year is to sit on the couch with a bag of cookies and a bottle of pineapple rum and watch some girl-on-girl porn. I have had a bit of an addiction to all three of those things lately.
I am not sure what I will ultimately end up doing on December 31st, but here are ten things I won't be doing.
- Watching anything with "Rockin'" in the title.
New Year's Eve celebration specials are crap. Dick Clark recently had a stroke and Regis Philbin is stepping in for him. I would kill myself before I would watch that. I don't want to see people frolic on the streets of New York. I don't want to watch fireworks set to music. I don't want to see Usher sing about cheaters. Besides, I don't know how to work the picture-in-picture thing on the TV and, as mentioned previously, there is a good chance I will be watching porn.
- Wearing a party hat and blowing a noise-maker.
I think those things only happen in movies anyway. If I were to be invited to a party and take leave of my senses long enough to actually attend, there better not be any glittering hats or twirling noise-making devices. I will leave. I will drink all the rum and then I will leave. I will drink all the rum, kiss someone's boyfriend and then I will leave.
- Going to Las Vegas.
That shit was crazy. I am too married for that now. My husband doesn't permit me to make out with strange men in the street and if that isn't part of the deal I might as well stay my ass home.
- Paying a cover charge.
I don't hang out in bars much anymore so I wouldn't even know where to go. The places I would think to go to would be lame and the places I would want to go to wouldn't let me in. Also, at least for me, going to bars in the past often resulted in kissing random people so, as I said in #3, that is no longer an option.
- Volunteering at an art museum just so that I can see Harvey Danger play.
This is pretty specific, I know. It happens to be what my friend in Seattle will be doing and I just don't get the appeal. Seeing great live music for free? Ok. Working for it? No thanks.
- Attending anything described as a "ball," a "bash," or an "extravaganza."
A friend recommended the New Year's Eve Ball at the Roosevelt Hotel. It includes midget acrobatics. Any event that is black-tie optional is going to have skanks in party dresses and skeazy assholes in tuxes, I don't want to have to deal with, even to see midgets performing tricks.
- Spending $250 on dinner for two.
I have nothing against an expensive meal - my husband and I just blew $120 on steaks last Saturday - but I have had food poisoning several times after eating at a restaurant on a holiday. They get busy and they get careless. I refuse to spend the first day of 2005 puking up overpriced stuffed mushrooms.
- Making resolutions.
This is something that I have done every year and every year it results in the same list of things. If I haven't done them by now, they ain't getting done. Sorry, my fat ass, you are here to stay.
- Playing board games at my mom's house.
She tries to get me to go there every year. Fine, I'm boring. Whatever. I am still not spending New Year's Eve at my mom's house.
- Pillowfighting in a baby doll nighty.
I won't be doing it, but I might be watching it on pay-per-view.