Official Press Release - For Immediate Release
March 14, 2007, Los Angeles, CA | As all of Clark Schpiell's vast and beautiful readership is undoubtedly aware, making a will is an incredibly important fundament of being an adult, providing your loved ones with confidence that your affairs will be handled efficiently after your demise. Moreover, if you are a withered old billionaire, it may also afford an opportunity to send your potential inheritors on a wild goose chase of your nefarious devising, learning a variety of lessons in the hijinx that ensue.
But making a will isn't the only legal headache one has to deal with in this maddening, frantic, relentlessly dizzying world of ours. From getting married to conducting experiments in your garage to renting out your shed to a family of illegal immigrants, it seems like everything is potentially litigous these days. And then the lawyers swoop in, that troglodytic race of subhumans, to thrust their money-grubbing tentacles into your anus to leech out what remains of your innocence, your life savings, your youth. But what can be done to stop these monsters?
It is in the spirit of relentless civic-mindedness (the spirit that informs all of Clark Schpiell's affairs) that we are proud to introduce our own line of CSP-branded do-it-yourself wills and other legal documents. Read the following testimonials to learn how real people just like you took their legal affairs into their own hands with style using Clark Schpiell easy-to-use large-print-optional blank legal forms. These people, folks, are real, and if you don't believe us, you can scan to channel 117 or 276 (depending on your area) at 3:15 a.m. and 4:15 a.m. EST and watch our infomercial (although it's so compelling we choose to call it an "infotainmevent"):
Karl, 29, haberdasher: "Karla and I had only been dating for about a year, but we were as close as any married couple. Considering my parents after thirty-seven years don't even share a room, maybe closer. She died after crashing into a telephone pole while driving home from her job as a sleeping-pill tester. Her parents got it all because she hadn't left a will. I'm making sure that won't happen again. My new girlfriend Darla, who works as a professional shark feeder, is the most beautiful and compassionate software-fortune heiress I've ever met. With the Clark Schpiell brand do-it-yourself will kit, I'm one unwitting signature away from financial security... should the unthinkable occur, God forbid."
Mabel-Anne, 42, valet: "In today's workaday world, who has time to obtain a lawyer, go to the courthouse, wait in line for who knows how long, all to get a divorce from one's husband of twenty-one years? With the Clark Schpiell do-it-yourself divorce kit, I could take charge of the end of my marriage on my schedule. I'm a soon-to-be single mother, I can't be spending thousands of dollars on legal fees. For twenty dollars, including the rope and chloroform, I had a no-mess no-fuss divorce from Stan shortly before the sun rose and the ambulance came."
Dwight, 20, systems analyst: "My mother had been acting erratically for the last couple of years, making wild accusations about my so-called 'drug problem' and calling the cops every time I tried to have a couple dozen close friends over to my room in the basement of her house. Frankly, her increasing obsession with this phantom 'criminal behavior' of mine made me very worried about her mental health, especially when she began demanding to know what was in the room I kept padlocked and why I was using so much electricity. I knew that I needed to send her somewhere where she'd be safe and cared for, but I'm a young entrepreneur without ready cash, and I didn't want to go to some cheap know-nothing lawyer. But with Clark Schpiell's power-of-attorney forms, I have almost everything I need to ensure that my dear mother won't be a threat to herself anymore. You don't happen to know any corrupt judges in this jurisdiction, by any chance?"
So why wait? Clark Schpiell do-it-yourself legal forms will available in stationery and heavy-metal music stores nationwide very soon. The legally defensible future of your dreams is here today!