the Dismissal of Linus Erickson
July 2, 2001
July 2, 2001
We, the managing board of Clark Schpiell Productions (hereafter referred to as CSP), would like to inform our loyal readership that the online journals of Linus Erickson (hereafter referred to as the whining self-absorbed asshole) have been discontinued due to a combination of low, even abysmal, reader interest combined with our utter inability to get along with the pretentious loser who is the "creative" force behind the feature.
For legal and historical purposes, here’s a brief overview of the fall of Linus Erickson from these pages: back in mid-2000, Linus Erickson, who’d provoked nearly zero interest with the three years of journals he diligently churned out—each full of just sad little pointless activities, meaningless drug and alcohol abuse, and the worst breed of pseduo-intellectual babbling—got "persecuted" by his ISP due to his failing to send the amount specified to cover the service. After being booted, he approached many different online publications to handle the resurrection of his project. After Salon.com, About.com and all other sensible sites turned down Erickson’s request, he enlisted the help of his family. Even though she now doesn't speak to him, Twyla Erickson, Linus’ sister, agreed to help him find a publisher. Twyla at the time was working as a "sensual facilitator" at one of Big J’s clubs in Omaha. Bringing it up once during a one-on-one "corporate vision retreat" at a Motel 6 in Des Moines, Big J said he had a solution, and quickly hooked up Linus with Dave, the coordinator of the CSP site.
While Dave and the rest of the board strenuously objected to the "utter degrading and prostitution" of their site with Linus’ material, Big J, cavorting the others with "she had my dick in her hand!" finally won out, and CSP introduced Linus Erickson’s online journals.
Problems began almost immediately. Linus was "going through some real shit, man," and failed to provide the agreed-upon number of submissions. He balked at the idea that he should be held to deadlines and rules, he refused to allow the board to exercise any editorial control (even going so far as to suggest that correcting his misspellings was "the moral equivalent of fascism"). The board began speaking out. At a special birthday performance, Eck (at which he performed most of the material from his CSP solo album "What the Eck!") said he planned to demand that his picture and any mention of him be removed from the site if it continued to publish Erickson’s diaries, "in the interests of protecting my name and just plain decency." This was a very real threat to CSP, since most former fans only visit to find pictures of and information on Eck, and so the board tried to arrange a meeting with Erickson, who responded by suggesting to the media on several occasions that various members of the board’s family members were related to each other in more than one way, and in graphic detail. Hostilities continued to build, but the remaining board members continually acquiesced to Big J’s need to "come like a rocket" and put up with the problems.
The straw that broke the camel’s back was Erickson’s continued and public harrassment of Little J over J’s belief that ZZ Top was a "pretty grooving band, even after ‘La Grange,' like that song 'Nationwide.'" Erickson began calling Little J at all hours to "de-program him," and communications became violent. ("Listen to those stupid lyrics, J! ‘She got legs and she knows how to use them.’ Holy shit, buddy, you must have one of those Ph.D.’s there if she can use her own legs. Even retards can use their own goddamn legs and I’m tempted to use mine to walk over there and kick the shit out of you right now!") The remaining CSP board is similarly unenthused by ZZ Top and is confused by and disappointed in Little J’s opinions, but it will defend to the death his right to have them free from threats of reprisals. Considering all of this, combined with the fact that Twyla Erickson dumped Big J and went back home to Towner, North Dakota, to marry her old high school sweetheart Skippy, it was inevitable that Linus Erickson be turned away from CSP’s pages at last. CSP asks that you take any comments about CSP made by Erickson in the future, such as that we are "rabbit-raping sadists who sit around and shoot smack up their fellow communists’ asses" with a grain of salt. And if you see him, the fucker still owes us for pizza.
Thank you for your loyal support. We would apologize that we can no longer bring you Linus, but we're pretty sure you thought it sucked as much ass as we did.
click here to read part I.
click here to read part II.