If you're like most Americans, you've come out the other side of the holiday season with some extra pounds, fewer brain cells, maybe even a new spouse or waterborne pathogen -- at the very least, you probably entered 2003 with some accumulated bad habits, whether just having picked them up during the holidays (like feeling no compunction about eating 17 cookies for breakfast) or carrying them around for some time (smoking, recreational narcotics, or fantasizing about receiving a deep-tissue massage from Doug Henning). Having survived the holidays blearier, fatter, and lazier, you've now decided that 2003 is going to be your year, that you're going to embrace the improvement of yourself with vigor and determination.
Since we here at Clark Schpiell exist to serve our readership as completely as we can, we offer for the sincere-at-heart but under-motivated Schpiell fan the following take-out menu style New Year's resolutions. Saving you the time of having to pore over your ever bizarre habit and agonize over your numerous failures, we believe that the following items will closely fit the lifestyle and predilections of our loyal readers. And hey, since you're going to break every single one of them, who really gives a shit if you didn't write them yourself?
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Financial Well-Being Resolutions (pick any one of the following):
Recognize that making a "deposit in a bank" and a "deposit in a prostitute" are not equally sound financial investments.
Visit a certified financial consultant so you can have someone confirm your fears that you will be forced to work at McDonald's when you're 80.
Convince your spouse to put the kid's college fund in this scheme your uncle is always on about--"the ponies."
Devise an organizational system for all your important paperwork and make sure that any gaps in tax returns and pay stubs are filled with duplicates blah blah blah, what-the-fuck-ever.
Marry Anna Nicole Smith.
Health and Fitness Resolutions (pick any one of the following):
Join a gym. No, really. You'll go. Really. You really really will. It'll be different this year. It will.
Scale back eating at Fat Freddy's Fried Cheese House to once a week.
Give up drinking sausage gravy.
Take the stairs at the office whenever the elevator happens to be on fire.
Lifestyle Enrichment Resolutions (pick any one of the following):
Spend more time with your family (can be postponed until they are all dead).
Read a book or at least a long magazine article, you TV-enslaved mouth-breather.
Vow to go see more foreign films until you realize that the few chicks there are always already with some pseudo-intellectual hipster asshole.
Get out more and meet people, because more people really need to know just how pathetic you truly are.
Miscellaneous Resolutions (pick any two of the following):
Admit that sticking your finger in your dog does not serve any actual veterinary purpose.
Send a hefty gratuity by cash or certified check to your favorite pest-themed Internet site.
Let grandma out of the attic.
Once again figure out how to do that trick with the dollar bill and the paper clips that "get married."
Pick up a hobby, as if there's some activity out there you've never heard about all these years that would actually make you feel like you had a reason for getting out of bed in the morning.
Stop sniffing your fingers every time you pick your underwear out of your asscrack.
I, the undersigned, do hereby vow to fulfill the above resolutions in perpetuity throughout the universe with the following exceptions:
When I don't feel like it.
When it's just been a real bitch of a day, I mean, Christ, I can't even have some goddamn ice cream after the hellacious day I just had?
Anytime after January 24, 2003.