A Disturbing Trend
by david
Oct 22, 2001
Several entertainment news sites have recently reported that the upcoming thriller, Found in the Street, will feature 58-year-old Christopher Walken and 33-year-old Hugh Jackman in a romantic triangle with 19-year-old Kirsten Dunst. After pausing briefly out of shock (and throwing up a little bit in my mouth), I began scouring the cornucopia of online entertainment magazines, and found that this horrifying Hollywood trend (which began, I believe, either with the first kiss between Sean Connery and Katherine Zeta Jones in 1999's Entrapment, or with Michael Douglas and Katherine Zeta Jones' wedding vows - either way, I'm certain Katherine Zeta Jones is to blame) appears only to be escalating:
Every Which Way and You
Disney, dir. by Clint Eastwood
Hi-jinks ensue when Howard Samson (Clint Eastwood) returns home from a long day as assistant manager at the corner 5-and-Dime to find that his pregnant wife, Melinda (Jessica Alba) has adopted an Orangutan escaped from the local zoo. Hi-jinks ensue. Wait, did we already say that?
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Humid
Merchant Ivory Films, dir. by Ang Lee
When Brad Tommer, a young, up and coming insurance salesman (Ted Danson) moved to Palm Beach, Florida, he never dreamed he'd have to worry about an affair blossoming between his wife (Christina Ricci) and the suave artist next door (Donald Sutherland). As this tragic love story unfolds, your heart will break seeing Brad's pain, even as you rejoice in the newfound love between creative spirits yearning to be free.
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Hidden Scarecrow
Paramount, dir. by Renny Harlan
The only thing more startling to Brenda (Katie Holmes) than the news that her new husband (Kirk Douglas) is really an international spy, is that he's been kidnapped by a terrorist drug cartel. As she searches across South America for her husband with dashing private investigator Dirk Millenhart (Marlon Brando), she gets a crash course in international intrigue, must discover whether her love for her husband is diminished by a new-found passion for Dirk.
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Thank God for Viagra
Backdoor Pictures, dir. by Ron Jeremy
Jon Voight and Jennifer Love Hewitt bang the crap out of each other for 93 minutes. Sarah Michelle Gellar guest stars.
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