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the Wholly Functional Family Circus

by david
Mar 4, 2001


We at CSP could not have been more happy when SpinnWebbe's vile and disgusting "Disfunctional Family Circus" was shut down by Family Circus creator and all around genius Bil Keane and his lawyers. SpinnWebbe and the DFC embodied the worst of the filth and evil that the internet has to offer, and the ‘net is a better place without them. For those unfamiliar with the DFC, here is a brief explanation:

The DFC creators would post several Family Circus cartoons every week, without the attached captions, and sick-minded websters would post crude and inappropriate captions of their own under these cartoons. The most vile and disgusting were kept and displayed on the site for the world and our impressionable children to see. Whole new storylines evolved - the father became a pedophile, the mother an alcoholic, and the children drug-dealers and prostitutes. The horror experienced by each of us at CSP as we visited the site each and every day without fail was the stuff of nightmares. When the site was finally shut down a year or so ago, we wept with relief.

However, we at CSP believe that Keane and his ilk have not gone far enough. While the ridding the world of the DFC was surely a move in the right direction, Keane has not cut to the root of the problem. You see, with every panel Kean draws, he actually attempts humor! I think all of us would agree that laughter is indeed the root of all evil. Comedy and humor in our society inevitably lead to such horrifying things as "yo’ mamma" jokes, the frequent use of the "f" word, and the Geena Davis Show. Fortunately, Keane seldom hits his mark, but, as the saying goes, "it's the thought that counts." Especially when that thought is, well, corruptive and evil.

So, we’ve taken steps to remove all, not just some, of the evil from the corruptive Family Circus. Clark Schpiell Productions is proud to present the Wholly Functional Family Circus:

crappy cartoon

CAPTIONS:*

"I drank all of my milk today, Billy."

"I feel that the recent Presidential Election fracas will eventually serve to make our democratic process even stronger."

"I’ve finished all of my Math homework for the rest of the year. Now I am free to volunteer after school at the local retirement community."

"I understand your contention that our archaic A-F grading system is inherently flawed, but I don’t feel a suitable alternative has yet presented itself."

"I gave my other glove and a warm blanket to that poor homeless man down the street who had only one glove."

"While I am a supporter of the family farmer, you can see for yourself the effects of rampant deforestation in the barren land around us."

*In order to avoid all traces of humor in our captions, we've decided not to open the WFC to public submission. Rather, we've enlisted the help of the esteemed writers of the NBC sitcom, DAG.
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